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Decisions, Decisions
series: Assassin's Creed/Paradisa
characters: Cristina Vespucci
rating: PG
summary: Cristina needed some time to think and these are her thoughts.
Cristina has been certain of a grand total of two things these past few days. The first thing is that she still loves Ezio; the second is that the idea of giving him a fourth chance makes her want to empty her stomach of everything she's eaten that day. The thought even sounds ridiculous because four chances, really? Who even considers giving someone four chances? If someone has screwed up enough that they even require four chances, are they honestly worth it? Cristina is always afraid to come up with an answer to that question.
When Aradia contacts her through the journal she's surprised and feels a little guilty. Ezio must have said something to her that would make her want to apologize and for what? Because she told Cristina what Ezio should have told her when they started this whole thing? If anything, she should be receiving an apology from Ezio because he didn't tell her, but it's not that hard to figure out that that likely won't happen. She wishes she hadn't told Ezio who let his secret slip. Aradia had come to the conclusion that she and Ezio were friends - something that wasn't untrue at the time - and mentioned something that a friend should have known.
None of that has any influence on her decision, though, so she abandons those thoughts as soon as the conversation ends and goes back to the ones that have been repeating themselves over and over again these past few days. Truth be told, she doesn't think that Ezio even deserves another chance. He claimed that he wanted a happy ending, but he wasn't even willing to tell her the truth about what was probably the biggest part of his life. How could their ending ever be truly happy if it was to be built around lies and things that should have been said but weren't. It doesn't help that he tried to lie again immediately afterwards - the illegitimate children thing was a joke? A joke meant for who? She would have been happier if he'd just admitted to what they both knew was the truth, but it seemed Ezio had not only become an assassin in the time they've been apart, but he'd also grown a fondness for digging holes - very deep holes.
She considers the fact that he had clearly had a habit of sleeping around while they were apart. Thinking of that fact on its own, forgetting the fact that he had tried to lie about it, upset her - understandably so - but it wasn't so much that she couldn't consider giving him another chance based on that alone. She didn't feel betrayed because he'd been with other women, didn't scorn him for it, but it was more a sadness that comes when one realizes that a dream would always be just that - a dream. It made her sad that her childish fantasy of being the only woman he could think of even when they're apart was not reality, but she could not blame him for that. She was married at home, although she does not remember this, and they'd been separated for many years. She could not honestly expect him to only think of her for so long when the likelihood of them ever being together again was very nearly, if not completely nonexistent.
Those thoughts make her feel slightly guilty that she'd acted in the way she did, but only slightly. The fact still stands that he tried to hide it from her and she hates that he felt it necessary to do that. What did it mean that he couldn't trust her enough to be upfront about these things? Was she not important enough for him to tell her the truth? Did he not really care as much as he would have liked her to believe? It occurs to her that his lying is not a new thing. From the moment all of his tragedy started, he'd been lying to her. He told her he wouldn't kill those guards, and he hadn't - while she was looking. But when her back was turned and she had no way of finding out about it, he went back on that and made a profession of killing them.
She almost wishes that he had never saved her from Vieri that day. She wishes he had just left well enough alone when she walked away after his failed attempt at charming her and let things happen as they would have. It's a stupid way to think - of course she didn't want Vieri to get any further than he had, she didn't even want him to get that far and he hadn't even done anything - but it's easy to think it when Ezio is the one giving her a hard time now. She briefly wonders if Ezio had a hand in his death. She'd heard that he died, but beyond that she knew nothing and hadn't cared to know anything so the cause of his death remained a mystery to her. There was clearly no love lost between those two, and it wasn't that hard to imagine Ezio killing him when the opportunity presented itself.
While that was true enough - it was not hard to imagine Ezio doing something like that - it was still sickening. She would never defend the Pazi boy, never say that he didn't deserve some form of punishment, but death? Cristina isn't the type of person that could honestly stomach that. She can't stomach the thought of anyone taking the lives of another person, even it that person was Vieri de Pazzi. She can't imagine anything that would serve as a good enough excuse to become an assassin, to become a person whose life revolves around killing and trying not to be killed. What kind of life is that?
It's kind of ironic to think about, the idea of taking revenge for the deaths of your family by causing even more death. It's ironic and terrible and Cristina wishes she could understand everything that goes through Ezio's head when he justifies his decision to live his life that way, but she can't. She can try to understand, but when her family is still alive and she's only ever lived a relatively normal life it's near impossible to really understand. When she thinks of what it might be like to lose her family in the way he did, she does feel angry. She feels angry and she thinks that she would like for the people responsible for their deaths to disappear, but she can never force herself into understanding the feeling of wanting to kill those people. She supposes it would be different if it were more than just a hypothetical situation, that maybe she would understand that feeling if it were real, but it isn't and that makes it unbearably difficult.
Even so, she still loves Ezio. She loves him, despite the fact that she can't understand the things he does, and that hardly makes it easier to come to any sort of decision. Could she ever learn to accept it, despite her lack of understanding, could she at least accept it if she were to give him another chance? It's not something she can answer right now, probably won't be able to understand unless she actually tries it, but she's afraid that she won't be able to accept it. She is terrified of the idea that she won't learn to accept the fact that he is an assassin and that it'll just be another wasted chance.
In the back of her mind, there is a small part of her that thinks that it doesn't really matter. As he said, he isn't acting as an assassin here so what does it matter? As long as he isn't killing anyone why should it make any difference to her? Maybe if they were home it would be different, but clearly they aren't. Here she has no husband as she apparently does at home, and if she can ignore the fact that she has a husband at home and try to make things work with Ezio, shouldn't she also be able to ignore the fact that he is an assassin at home if he is not one here? The things that apply at home need not apply here if she doesn't want them to.
Still, there is always the fact that it wasn't her choice to forget her husband. She did not ask the castle to take her memories of her husband like Ezio is asking her to ignore that he is an assassin. It is hard to honor a marriage that may as well have never happened. It is not so hard to continuously be aware of the fact that the man you love is a murderer when your memories of him are still completely intact.
Her husband and the man she loves - now that's a distinction she'd hoped she'd never have to make. It isn't uncommon for marriages to often lack any sort of love, at least not in the time she knows, but she had always imagined that it wouldn't be like that for her. She wonders if the same is the same in the future. She also wonders if it really makes a difference that she has a husband at home when her feelings for Ezio clearly did not fade when she got married.
All of this gives her the worst of headaches and it's just her luck that it all happened this week of all weeks when she was already in a great deal of discomfort. She is certain that no matter what her choice is, she will regret it eventually. If she decides to end everything between them she will miss him, there is no doubt in her mind about that. If she decides to give him another chance, well, she isn't entirely confident that it'll be a successful chance. Their history does not exactly point to any hint of success.
Then again, as things stand right now, their history doesn't really provide much in the way of precedents to go by. Until now, she'd apparently had a husband; until now, she hadn't seen Ezio for more than a few moments in 10 years; until now, she had lived in 1486 in Firenze. Looking to things she's familiar with for signs isn't really the best way to make a decision when the only thing in Paradisa that is remotely familiar to her is Ezio. In a place where the technology, the people, the places, even the clothes and food are unfamiliar, Ezio is the only thing she really knows and, despite everything, it's hard to imagine separating herself from that one familiar thing. There is comfort in the familiarity he brings even though there's still plenty about him that upsets her, but is that really enough to be the deciding factor?
She really doesn't know the answer to that question and it isn't until the night before the wedding that she actually does make her choice and she prays that it is the right one.
characters: Cristina Vespucci
rating: PG
summary: Cristina needed some time to think and these are her thoughts.
Cristina has been certain of a grand total of two things these past few days. The first thing is that she still loves Ezio; the second is that the idea of giving him a fourth chance makes her want to empty her stomach of everything she's eaten that day. The thought even sounds ridiculous because four chances, really? Who even considers giving someone four chances? If someone has screwed up enough that they even require four chances, are they honestly worth it? Cristina is always afraid to come up with an answer to that question.
When Aradia contacts her through the journal she's surprised and feels a little guilty. Ezio must have said something to her that would make her want to apologize and for what? Because she told Cristina what Ezio should have told her when they started this whole thing? If anything, she should be receiving an apology from Ezio because he didn't tell her, but it's not that hard to figure out that that likely won't happen. She wishes she hadn't told Ezio who let his secret slip. Aradia had come to the conclusion that she and Ezio were friends - something that wasn't untrue at the time - and mentioned something that a friend should have known.
None of that has any influence on her decision, though, so she abandons those thoughts as soon as the conversation ends and goes back to the ones that have been repeating themselves over and over again these past few days. Truth be told, she doesn't think that Ezio even deserves another chance. He claimed that he wanted a happy ending, but he wasn't even willing to tell her the truth about what was probably the biggest part of his life. How could their ending ever be truly happy if it was to be built around lies and things that should have been said but weren't. It doesn't help that he tried to lie again immediately afterwards - the illegitimate children thing was a joke? A joke meant for who? She would have been happier if he'd just admitted to what they both knew was the truth, but it seemed Ezio had not only become an assassin in the time they've been apart, but he'd also grown a fondness for digging holes - very deep holes.
She considers the fact that he had clearly had a habit of sleeping around while they were apart. Thinking of that fact on its own, forgetting the fact that he had tried to lie about it, upset her - understandably so - but it wasn't so much that she couldn't consider giving him another chance based on that alone. She didn't feel betrayed because he'd been with other women, didn't scorn him for it, but it was more a sadness that comes when one realizes that a dream would always be just that - a dream. It made her sad that her childish fantasy of being the only woman he could think of even when they're apart was not reality, but she could not blame him for that. She was married at home, although she does not remember this, and they'd been separated for many years. She could not honestly expect him to only think of her for so long when the likelihood of them ever being together again was very nearly, if not completely nonexistent.
Those thoughts make her feel slightly guilty that she'd acted in the way she did, but only slightly. The fact still stands that he tried to hide it from her and she hates that he felt it necessary to do that. What did it mean that he couldn't trust her enough to be upfront about these things? Was she not important enough for him to tell her the truth? Did he not really care as much as he would have liked her to believe? It occurs to her that his lying is not a new thing. From the moment all of his tragedy started, he'd been lying to her. He told her he wouldn't kill those guards, and he hadn't - while she was looking. But when her back was turned and she had no way of finding out about it, he went back on that and made a profession of killing them.
She almost wishes that he had never saved her from Vieri that day. She wishes he had just left well enough alone when she walked away after his failed attempt at charming her and let things happen as they would have. It's a stupid way to think - of course she didn't want Vieri to get any further than he had, she didn't even want him to get that far and he hadn't even done anything - but it's easy to think it when Ezio is the one giving her a hard time now. She briefly wonders if Ezio had a hand in his death. She'd heard that he died, but beyond that she knew nothing and hadn't cared to know anything so the cause of his death remained a mystery to her. There was clearly no love lost between those two, and it wasn't that hard to imagine Ezio killing him when the opportunity presented itself.
While that was true enough - it was not hard to imagine Ezio doing something like that - it was still sickening. She would never defend the Pazi boy, never say that he didn't deserve some form of punishment, but death? Cristina isn't the type of person that could honestly stomach that. She can't stomach the thought of anyone taking the lives of another person, even it that person was Vieri de Pazzi. She can't imagine anything that would serve as a good enough excuse to become an assassin, to become a person whose life revolves around killing and trying not to be killed. What kind of life is that?
It's kind of ironic to think about, the idea of taking revenge for the deaths of your family by causing even more death. It's ironic and terrible and Cristina wishes she could understand everything that goes through Ezio's head when he justifies his decision to live his life that way, but she can't. She can try to understand, but when her family is still alive and she's only ever lived a relatively normal life it's near impossible to really understand. When she thinks of what it might be like to lose her family in the way he did, she does feel angry. She feels angry and she thinks that she would like for the people responsible for their deaths to disappear, but she can never force herself into understanding the feeling of wanting to kill those people. She supposes it would be different if it were more than just a hypothetical situation, that maybe she would understand that feeling if it were real, but it isn't and that makes it unbearably difficult.
Even so, she still loves Ezio. She loves him, despite the fact that she can't understand the things he does, and that hardly makes it easier to come to any sort of decision. Could she ever learn to accept it, despite her lack of understanding, could she at least accept it if she were to give him another chance? It's not something she can answer right now, probably won't be able to understand unless she actually tries it, but she's afraid that she won't be able to accept it. She is terrified of the idea that she won't learn to accept the fact that he is an assassin and that it'll just be another wasted chance.
In the back of her mind, there is a small part of her that thinks that it doesn't really matter. As he said, he isn't acting as an assassin here so what does it matter? As long as he isn't killing anyone why should it make any difference to her? Maybe if they were home it would be different, but clearly they aren't. Here she has no husband as she apparently does at home, and if she can ignore the fact that she has a husband at home and try to make things work with Ezio, shouldn't she also be able to ignore the fact that he is an assassin at home if he is not one here? The things that apply at home need not apply here if she doesn't want them to.
Still, there is always the fact that it wasn't her choice to forget her husband. She did not ask the castle to take her memories of her husband like Ezio is asking her to ignore that he is an assassin. It is hard to honor a marriage that may as well have never happened. It is not so hard to continuously be aware of the fact that the man you love is a murderer when your memories of him are still completely intact.
Her husband and the man she loves - now that's a distinction she'd hoped she'd never have to make. It isn't uncommon for marriages to often lack any sort of love, at least not in the time she knows, but she had always imagined that it wouldn't be like that for her. She wonders if the same is the same in the future. She also wonders if it really makes a difference that she has a husband at home when her feelings for Ezio clearly did not fade when she got married.
All of this gives her the worst of headaches and it's just her luck that it all happened this week of all weeks when she was already in a great deal of discomfort. She is certain that no matter what her choice is, she will regret it eventually. If she decides to end everything between them she will miss him, there is no doubt in her mind about that. If she decides to give him another chance, well, she isn't entirely confident that it'll be a successful chance. Their history does not exactly point to any hint of success.
Then again, as things stand right now, their history doesn't really provide much in the way of precedents to go by. Until now, she'd apparently had a husband; until now, she hadn't seen Ezio for more than a few moments in 10 years; until now, she had lived in 1486 in Firenze. Looking to things she's familiar with for signs isn't really the best way to make a decision when the only thing in Paradisa that is remotely familiar to her is Ezio. In a place where the technology, the people, the places, even the clothes and food are unfamiliar, Ezio is the only thing she really knows and, despite everything, it's hard to imagine separating herself from that one familiar thing. There is comfort in the familiarity he brings even though there's still plenty about him that upsets her, but is that really enough to be the deciding factor?
She really doesn't know the answer to that question and it isn't until the night before the wedding that she actually does make her choice and she prays that it is the right one.